Healing: 12 Years Later

If you’re like me, you struggle with the need to be doing something. It’s like being a shark: if you stop moving, you die. For some, this is “just how we’re wired” - but for others there can be a deeper root that explains our performance-focused life. More likely than not, it stems from some kind of wound.

This morning I was writing in my journal and something amazing happened. God brought me healing for something that happened long ago by uprooting a lie that I have been believing for a long time. I wrote in my journal:

How beautiful it was to be awake talking with You this morning. Thank You for the peace You’ve brought in reminding me that I don’t always have to be doing something, and that, in fact, I can be still and be with You. The planning, stressing, striving - wow, I didn’t realize (and probably still don’t) how deep and wide it goes. Thank You that You’re gracious and won’t leave me like this!

You see, this morning I was processing a memory from long ago, and with it all the negative feelings came crashing in. The event was twelve years ago, but it still had the power to make me antsy and a little bit panicked in mundane aspects of life. Since I know God, I know that anxiety is not from Him, and so I knew that this was the morning it was time to deal with this issue.

Here’s the backstory: I was dating and living with a guy during my last semester of college. We were sharing an apartment in the Chicago suburbs and splitting the bills. I was student teaching 40 hours a week and working 25-30 hours on top of that so I could make ends meet. In addition, I regularly cooked and kept a pretty clean house. Having a 65-70 hour workweek and doing household chores took a lot out of me. Naturally, once I finished the semester and was done with student teaching, it was a relief to only have to go to work. So I relaxed, and I relaxed hard. I left the dishes in the sink for 4 days and took lots of time for myself, and rested. 

The result was not good. The man I was dating was not happy with that, and he let me know it. We had a big fight, and long story short, we broke up within a week or two.

This was an excessive blow to me emotionally. I started to harden my heart and let anger and revenge settle in. I was never good enough for him and never would have been! I see that now, and it’s a relief, but at the time my world was crumbling and I was crushed. 

The idea was now being reinforced in my head that I can’t relax and that I don’t need to rest. 

Here is the lie: I couldn’t rest because I had to prove my worth and value. 

So here I am, 12 years later and just a couple months ago God has given me greater revelation on this issue: there is nothing I can do to make my value higher or lower. My inherent value is not dependent on my effort or any of my accomplishments, but by the love of Jesus.

I wish I could tell you that I came to this conclusion easily. How lovely that would have been. How much easier it would be for God to say to me “you don’t need to do so much. Rest. You are valuable just the way you are.” How great it would be for me to respond, “Yes God, you’re right. I find peace in obedience to you and I will rest. I feel so valued.” 

But No. That’s not how the story goes.

Instead I had to break my ankle just to learn more about my true value.

So here I am: crippled.  Physically I can no longer do the work that I derived my sense of value from. My husband now does 90% of what I used to do, leaving me to find value in a different set of criteria rather than my accomplishments and striving. 

God is gracious because He knows me. He knew in my stubbornness and pride, that this was the way to lead me to surrender to Him and more deeply relinquish fear, control, and shame. What happens if I don’t do something? I don’t have to fear. What if I can’t control the things I need and have to depend on someone else? That’s ok! (Better, actually). And what about the shame that comes with not being able to take care of myself and my family, or be a helper to my friends and coworkers in the way that I am used to? It has to go. 

God is showing me what it means to rest and that only He offers true rest. I won’t find it by doing, but by being. Now that this memory has been healed, it doesn’t sting like it used to. And I don’t feel bad about doing nothing. The restless need in me to prove that I have value by what I do has taken a back seat. There is no substitute for understanding your true value, which is only determined by God. I would encourage everyone to take a moment, and audit their source of value. It’s not wrong to feel good about accomplishments, that’s healthy, but if we are nothing without them, then we’re in danger.

In all, trust me, you are far more valuable than you know.