Choosing Not to Celebrate

I love a good celebration.

Scratch that - I probably love a good celebration way more than the average person.

I like to decorate, to plan, to see every detail to completion. I love seeing joy on people’s faces while enjoying a happy occasion.

When it comes to my own birthday, I desire to see that same care and dedication given to me. I want to be thought of and acknowledged. I want to know I’m special. Over the years I’ve had some great birthdays. I can remember as a kid always looking forward to the cake and presents and family coming over. My brother’s birthday is 3 days before mine, but we never shared a party - growing up my parents made sure we each had our own separate celebration.

I have fond memories of getting to choose the kind of cake I wanted, in both flavor and design (my aunt was a talented baker). Sometimes my birthday party was a simple affair at home with only family, and other times I was able to have it outside the home and invite friends (anyone remember Discovery Zone?!) On my 16th birthday my mom brought a giant chocolate chip cookie and some balloons to me at school, and for my 17th birthday my family and friends did a great job of throwing me a surprise party.

Unfortunately after those pre-teen and early teen years, birthdays seemed to get more complicated and lack the youthful joy they once held. A week before my 19th birthday my first real boyfriend broke up with me and I was devastated. I remember celebrating with two of my closest girlfriends, which was a sweet time, but I was still crying and trying to understand what happened. My 21st birthday was filled with debauchery, loneliness and regret. Other birthdays throughout my 20s were OK. I had a few special dinners and looked forward to those, as well as receiving the standard happy birthday texts, calls and social media posts, but nothing warm and fuzzy.

My 30th birthday was a rocky affair, as my husband (of only 6 months at that time) and I were in a tough spot relationally (year one was VERY hard). We’d had a sizable argument that deeply strained things for a few weeks and I remember wanting so badly for things to be good between us and to celebrate happily together but thinking that was impossible. To hedge against that I made plans to celebrate with my best girlfriend so that I wouldn’t be sad or disappointed on my birthday. 

Last year when I turned 33 I thought I’d grown greatly and that things would be much better. We were in a much better place and I was excited to celebrate together.

I decisively told my husband how I wanted to celebrate (going out to dinner, just the two of us) and we did exactly that a few days before the actual calendar date of my birthday.

On my birthday though, I felt like he didn’t do enough. I secretly wanted him to surprise me by buying me a coffee or doing something else thoughtful. I longed for that same care and detail that I give to others when acknowledging their special days. But that never happened.. He told me happy birthday, thinking he did well, and that was that (after all, he got me exactly what I asked for only days before)..Needless to say, I was disappointed and I held it against him for a couple days until I later burst and shared my growing resentment.

It caused some strife and certainly left a scar. 

So with that context, for my birthday this year, I had been trying to decide what I wanted to do; what would make me happy. As I considered the possibilities, I began to be overwhelmed and stressed. I was afraid I might make the wrong choice, things wouldn’t go according to plan, friends would be unavailable, I’d be disappointed, I’d cause strife with my husband again, or I’d feel unspecial.

Then I began to question something deeper inside. Why should a birthday be so stressful?

My thoughts shifted to wonder what God thinks about birthdays. I tried to think of where in the Bible birthdays were mentioned. I couldn’t immediately think of anything, but I did think of other celebrations. Many Celebrations are mentioned in the Old Testament, marking and remembering things God had done for the Israelites.

I thought of weddings mentioned in the New Testament, and that Jesus instructed his disciples to remember Him in communion by breaking bread and sharing wine together as often as they would meet.

Finally with the help of good ol’ Uncle Google I figured out that the Bible mentions birthdays twice (apart from the birth of Jesus, go course);  the first was Pharaoh’s birthday when Joseph was in prison in Genesis… which ended in the chief baker’s death and Joseph being forgotten.

The second was Herod’s birthday, which ended with John the Baptist’s head on a platter.

It is interesting to note that there was never a mention of celebrating any believer’s birthday, or Jesus’ birthday over the years even. Yes, His birth was a momentous occasion because it was the birth of the Savior, but consecutive birthdays were not mentioned.

This begged the question inside of me: do I need something extra on my birthday to feel loved? Or am I loved regardless of the days celebrations?

The Bible has numerous occasions on which God’s love for us and how special we are to Him is mentioned. Psalm 139 is a good example. There’s John 3:16 and Romans 5:8. I notice that His love is showcased by action - in fact, the ultimate action of the sacrifice of Jesus. 

So what does God think of my birthday?

He rejoiced on the day of my birth. He also rejoiced when I stopped following my own selfish desires and chose to follow Him. He rejoices in our times spent together. He is rejoicing over me all the time. So what then do I want for my birthday?

What do I actually need on my birthday?

When I look back on some of my attitudes regarding this once-a-year revolution around the sun, they were quite self-centered, and my happiness hinged on my need for perfection…

So yes, I want my birthday to be acknowledged. That is nice. But this year I’m choosing not to actively celebrate my birthday.

No big dinner, or cake, or candles, or special event. No secret coffee wishes or hidden expectation.

In truth, I am a little nervous, but I can feel an excitement growing. My birthday is on a Tuesday, and I want it to simply be a normal Tuesday with some added reflection in which I’m thankful for my life, and what God has done in and through it. 

I want it to be a day of peace, not a source of stress. I don’t need “my special day” to feel special or be something different as a form of validation indicating that I’m loved. Life is not about me. 

Birthdays aren’t inherently bad. Acknowledging, appreciating, and encouraging others is a wonderful thing, and a birthday is a good time to show others that we are thinking of them. But if a birthday becomes an idol, then it’s gotta go. And unfortunately for me, mine has been an idol. So, I’m courageously choosing to not celebrate this year.

A little bit of me feels like it’s dying inside and there is some grief for sure. I’m grieving the loss of something dear to me but also grieving by the reality that my birthday has been a real distraction to what is actually important.

I must say though, that this is an answer to prayer!

How?

I’ve been praying Psalm 119:37 recently, which says,

“Turn my eyes away from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way.”

I’m thankful for the grace that covers all my sins and for God’s kindness at addressing this issue separating me from Him and others as I turn 34 (and not some time later in life!). What better gift could I hope for than to be closer to my Lord and Savior and become more like Him?

Post-birthday addendum

The morning of my birthday, my husband and son gave me a gift they’d picked out the night before. I was so honored by their thoughtfulness and the gifts they chose for me. They choose a pair of earrings and a Hawaii t-shirt which are probably the best tangible gifts I’ve ever received to date, because I received them happily with no expectations and I received them gladly as they were meant to honor me (not to serve my demands).

A bit later my husband asked me again what I’d like to do to celebrate my birthday. I fessed up that I wanted to do nothing (up to this point he had no idea I was working through all that I had written above). As I explained what God was doing, he was pleasantly surprised and I was overjoyed. In that moment I knew that no matter what this day held I would be thankful. I had no expectations, no need of anyone to do anything for me - I knew I was special, but not because it was my birthday.

When I walked into work later, I was greeted with streamers, balloons and gifts. I was blessed by my coworkers, and then their families. My one coworker’s mom who visits often brought me a gift, and her sister sent a cake in the next day (I hadn’t even met her sister). And the cake was exactly what I would have wished for had I actually wished for a cake.

Now please hear me when I say, I was 100% ok with not being celebrated. And that made all the celebrations all the sweeter. I was blessed and honored to receive every gift with true graatitude, rather than satisfaction that my desires we met.

When, through obedience, I relinquished these things to God, He knew exactly how others were already planning to shower me with affection.. He had better plans for my birthday than I could have ever asked for. So this year something special happened. God asked me to give something up. Meanwhile He was planning a surprise birthday for me by prompting the hearts of others to fr exceed my desires, and this time my heart was prepared to received them.